he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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