My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
