I seem to have left my pride at pride
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
