I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
