I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
