I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
