So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
