I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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