we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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