I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
