Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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