it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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