I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
