I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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