I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
