rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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