how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
