She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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