I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
