i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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