I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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