We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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