I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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