im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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