I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
