I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
