just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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