don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sorry my hands just texted you
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
