Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
being pregnant is like rehab
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
