I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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