i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
They took my balls.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
