the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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