but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
