You smell like a Billy Joel song
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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