there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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