those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
