She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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