I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
