The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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