I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
