My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
