I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
