Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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