everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
