I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
