Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
