I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
