i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
