fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
