Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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