You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
