Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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