proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
