wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Please don't give away my fajitas
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
