The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
