she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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