I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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