I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I enjoy the company of your penis
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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