Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
