Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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