Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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