Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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