Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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