Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
